Hellsing OMG
by Minion V2
Summary: The spiritual successor to Hellsing WTF, this project will be much more..canon. It will have my personal touch of bastardization, however, so enjoy your cheese nipples and READ! READ UNTIL YOUR EYES RUN RED WITH BLOOD FROM READING SO MUCH! AHAHAHAHA!


Hellsing OMG Act 0

--

**_Prelude: Attend the tale of Alucard._**

**_( Set to the tune of "Attend the Tale of Sweeney Todd" _**

**_from the stage version of Sweeney Todd.)_**

**_Attend the tale of Alucard.  
His skin was pale and his manner was odd.  
He shot off the faces of gentlemen,  
Who never thereafter were heard of again.  
He trod a path that few have trod,  
Did Alucard, The Demon Slayer of Hellsing._**

**_He kept a dungeon in London Town  
Under several masters, of varied renown._**

**_And what if none of his souls were saved?  
They went to their  
Maker impeccably slain by Alu-,  
By Alucard, The Demon Slayer of Hellsing._**

**_Swing your Jackal high, Vampire,  
Hold it to the skies!  
Freely flows the blood of those who moralize._**

**_His need were few, his cell was bare:  
a hardwood coffin and fancy chair,  
A bottle of wine, and a crimson hat,  
A jacket, two gloves, black pants and a bat.  
For neatness, he deserves a nod.  
Does Alucard, The Demon Slayer of Hellsing._**

**_Inconspicuous the vampire was,  
Quick and quiet and clean he was.  
Back of his smile, under his word,  
The vampire heard music that nobody heard.  
The vampire pondered and the vampire planned,  
Like a perfect machine 'e planned  
The vampire was smooth, The vampire was subtle,  
The vampire would blink and rats would scuttle.  
Vampire! Vampire! Vampire! Vampire!  
VAMPIRE!!_**

**_Attend the tale of Alucard! (Attend the tale of Alucard!)  
He housed a dark and a hungry dog. i(He housed a dark and a hungry dog.)  
What happened then, well that's the fic,  
And he wouldn't want me to be such a prick. Not Alu-,  
Not Alucard, The demon slayer of Hell..sing._**

--

Hellsing OMG Volume 1: Order 1.

--

The grass cracked underneath a lightly treading footstep. Dark hair swayed in the wind. The unusually red night sky seemed like blood to the person walking through the woods...

" Ah.." a rough voice spoke through the silent wind..." What a lovely night for a smoke.".

The man pulled a cigarette out of a patch from his waist, and put it in between his teeth. He lit it, somewhat lazily, and blew smoke that left a hazy trail in front of him...slowly, the words formed letters.

**Metal Gear Hellsing**

**Tactical Slaying Action**

" Huh...neat." the man's gravely voice spoke. He turned around, his dark brown mullet swaying in the wind, as the feet of his sneaking suit crunched gently against the grass.

**Solid Snake ( David Hayter)**

He took several steps foreward through a path in the trees before his ear started beeping. He knelt down and answered it, and a young man's voice spoke through his codec..

" Snake, can you hear me?" the voice spoke.

" Yes, Otacon, I can." Solid Snake said. " Why am I in London again..in the woods? And why is the sky red?"

" Because this is an anime based story." Otacon, Snake's longtime partner spoke.

" Oh...so that's why I look hotter." Snake said. " What's my mission, Otacon?"

" Infiltrate the town of Cheddar, and find out what the wierd cult activity going on there is. We've had reports of vampires and zombies there."

" Woah woah woah...vampires...and zombies? Since when is this a survival horror game?! And since when are there towns named after cheeses?!"

" Since Kojima sold us out to Capcom."

" That still doesn't answer the question about-"

" Capcom's Wisconson headquarters is doing the dub."

" Oh...alright...you're sure I'm properly equipped for this though?" Snake asked, checking his pocket..." Rocket Launcher, over two hundred grenades, a pistol, a survival knife, twenty machine guns, and costume equipment. You're sure this will be enough?"

" Sure as I was when I named myself after an anime convention and slept with my stepmom."

" Oh...kayyy...well, um...alright, I guess I can-" Snake began, before letting out a confused grunt as leaves near him cracked and a tree branch snapped.

" Snake, I have something to tell you..." Otacon began. Snake drew his pistol and cut Otacon off.

" Not now, Otacon...I don't think I'm alone here." he said in a hushed voice, spitting his cigarette out at the risk of all the natural wildlife nearby.

" Snake...this is important. " Otacon continued, as Snake got into a crouched position, CQC ready.

" There's someone else here, Otacon!" Snake said louder and somewhat annoyed, as the grass again snapped behind him.

" Snake! LISTEN TO ME!! Your government file has been hacked by The Patriots!"

" Not the best time, Otacon!" Snake circled, drawing his knife as well.

"Snake!! According to thier new file on you...YOU ARE THE DEMONS!!" Otacon cried out.

" WHAT?! DAMNIT OTACON, YOU SAID THERE WOULD BE NO MORE PLOT TWISTS!!" Snake snarled, going off guard momentarily. Suddenly, the silence was split by a loud gunshot, which caught the grizzled veteran in the head. Unluckily for Snake, he didn't have any rations equipped, so he fell, bleeding and open mouthed, to the ground, his head thumping against the grass as his body went limp.

" Snake..can you hear me? Snake?! SNAAAAAKEE!" Otacon shouted, as a large black boot fell and crushed the Codec, silencing Otacon.

" Ah..." a new, darker, smoother voice spoke, the man's red jacket, black pants and boots glowing in the moonlight somewhat.

" What a wonderful night...for a PARTY!!" The man shouted, his pale white hair flipping back with an arrogant brush of his gloved hand as he holstered one of his pistols, Ebony.

**Dante (****Reuben Langdon)**

Suddenly, more footsteps were heard approaching the demon slayer. As he turned around to face the newcomer, he too was shot in the head, this time by a silver bullet fused with holy water. Dante only had time to get out a " What the fu-?!" before falling over. He looked up at the person who had shot him..this man had a ret hat, orange tinted sunglasses, a red jacket similair to his own, white gloves with pentagram seals, black pants, and boots.

" If you know what's good for you..." this man's smooth, dark voice spoke, " Then you'll stay down, lesser demon. I have no quarrel with you...plus, by now that bullet must be burning the inside of your skull."

As if on cue, Dante's head started burning, and he began writhing around in pain, screaming. The man in the red coat and hat smirked, amused, and casually stepped over the half demon, walking along and ignoring the screaming behind him.

" Ah...what a lovely night for a drink." Alucard smirked.

**Alucard ( Crispin Freeman)**

--

" Why should we let you do this again, Miss Integra?!" The fustrated police commisioner snarled from inside a tent.

**The Commisioner ( Sean Connery)**

" Because.." the dark skinned british woman calmly replied, pulling a cigar from a box that her butler, Walter Dornez, thoughtfully drew **Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing (Victoria Harwood)**for her with a smirk " The enemies your men are fighting are unstoppable by your means."

" Say what?!" The commisioner asked brutally. " We practically 'ave the best police force in all o' England. Whattya mean we can't-"

" Vampires." Integra simply said with a smirk.

"What?!"

" Vampires." Integra repeated, pulling another cigar out of the case, putting it in her mouth next to the one already in there, and lighting it. " The scourge of the earth. Almost invincible in terms of strength, speed, and combat ability. Most also have a habit of being incredibly sexy and using thier sexiness to mesmerize people and from there either turn them into ghouls or vampires, depending on if they're a virgin or not. In short, they're almost unstoppable.."

" I...see..." The commisioner said after a few moments with a sigh. He clasped his hands thoughtfully over his mouth. " How are we going to defeat this sexy beast and his zombie army?"

" Don't worry, commisioner. I've already got someone on it." Integra smirked, putting yet another cigar in her mouth.

" Wait...some ONE?! Are you mad?! After everything that you just told me?!" The commisioner yelled, making sure to use at least a question mark and an exclemation point after every sentence as to show proper suprise.

**" YES!" **Integra shouted, slamming her hands on the table and biting down on the three cigars in her mouth, rising slightly from her seat. " I am **QUITE **mad for having to miss Charmed to listen to an incompetent police officer bitch at me from inside a tent. Now I suggest we let my agent do his work, and for now, sit back, relax, and listen to the kickin' tunes of Judas Priest!!" Integra shouted. Suddenly, a blonde haired man with a scar on his chin and a light stubble on his face burst through the tarp of the tent.

" The auld gray mare, ain't wha' it use' tae be, nae it ai-" He sang, before getting shot in the face with a desert eagle pistol, and flying out of the tent in a shower of papers.

" You're not supposed to be in this story yet, asshat!" The three people shouted at once.

--

2 miles away..

--

" AAAAAAAAHHHH!" Screamed the young, blonde haired police-woman as she ran through the forest...away from the vampire priest...away from the zombies...away from her comrades on the police force...and most frightening of all...away from Pedobear.

**Seras Victoria (KT Gray)**

**Pedobear (Michael Madsen) Author's note: He was easy to play because he doesn't speak! AHAHAHAHAA!!**

She finally reached a clearing in the woods and stopped to catch her breath. A fatal flaw. The vampire priest suddenly jumped behind her, and grabbed ahold of her neck and arm to keep her still.

" Hello again, my fair vampire!" He said with a sneer. " Are you prepared to join my ghoul army?"

**Vampiric Priest ( JB Blanc)**

" N-NO! HELP, SOMEONE HELP!!" The police girl cried. The vampire holding her only laughed.

" Hmm...I smell a virgin scent...ahh, you will be the most entertaining of the lot." He smirked, drooling a bit. Seras struggled, hearing the shuffling of the zombies behind him drawing nearer as his hand drew nearer to her crotch. Suddenly, something panged against his hand, causing him to draw his hand back with a hiss. He, along with his zombies, looked up at the shilouette standing on a hill in front of them.

" Who the hell are you?" The vampire priest asked, annoyed.

" Me?" The figure smirked, walking out of the shadows and stepping into the moonlight...his pointed ears seemed to aim directly at the moon, and his black, jagged cape swished in the wind. "I'm Batman."

**Batman (Christian Bale)**

" Batman...my god. " The man laughed. " Well then, 'Bat-man', let's see how you handle...THIS!!" The priest shouted, snapping his fingers on his free hand. Suddenly, all of the ghouls opened fire on him, and not even with all of his speed and fancy tricks could Batman dodge the bullets, grenades, and shoes thrown at him. After about thirty seconds, all that was left of him was a bloody mass of flesh and a piece of his cape. The priest laughed uncontrollably at the failure of an assassin.

" Goddamn bear trying to steal my gun.." Came a grumble from behind them, as every ghoul along with the priest turned to face Alucard, who was grumbling angrily and panting slightly. He noticed them all standing nearby. "...Oh...hi. You must be the dogs I was sent to kill."

" Who the hell are you?" The priest asked again.

" I'm your death." Alucard replied, drawing his pistol.

" My death? Haha...my god..." The priest laughed again, snapping his fingers. The ghouls all opened fire on him, as the police girl shut her eyes tightly...once the firing stopped, however, Alucard was still intact, albeit three feet to the right of where he'd been fired upon.

" You all freaking isuck/i." Alucard laughed, raising his gun high into the air in a dramatic pose, before lowering it, and firing rapidly on the ghouls, cutting all but thier leader down in a hail of bullets.

" Well...shit.." The leader priest said, sweating a little. " Don't make a move toward me, or I'll kill her!" He suddenly spat out, holding his claws to her throat, causing her to tremble.

" Are you a virgin?" Alucard asked, in an almost uncaring voice. Both the police girl and the vampire priest blushed.

" Well...I don't recall my years in high school, bu-" The priest started.

" Not you, moron. Her. Are you a virgin? Just curious." He asked, casually.

" U-uh...y-yes.." She finally said. Suddenly Alucard flew into a rage.

" With those tits?! bLIARb!!" He shouted, pumping bullet after bullet into both of them...the vampire priest dissolved into dust, while the police girl's quivering form twitched on the ground, several holes in her chest and stomach. " Oh...shit." Alucard said, realizing what he'd done, walking up to her. " You're bleeding to death." He stated.

"...I...c-could gather...that.." she said weakly. He leaned down next to her, checking her pulse.

" Hm...do you want to live? I could turn you into a vampire if you want." He asked. " You'd get to stay in a bitchin' mansion. The only problem is that my master may not like y-"

" Please...let me live..." she mumbled quietly.

" Oh...okay." He shrugged, and leaned down and sunk his fangs into her neck as she closed her eyes, slowly losing conciousness.

--

Somewhere above, a large green oval slowly hovered through the night...on it's side were carved in large letters "XIII".

" All according to plan..." Said a dark robed man's deep voice. " Demyx! Play for me the song of dark triumph!"

An acoustic version of the Super Mario Brothers theme was played.

iDun nun nun dun nun DAN! bThwack/i/b

The song stopped, followed by a slumping noise and a thump, and a cheeky laugh.

" You're a tard, Demyx, T-A-R-D. Got it memorized?"

"..."

"...Oh sh-"

--

Back on ground level...

--

" No, you can NOT keep her! You're not responsible enough!" Integra shouted at Alucard, who was cradling the unconcious Seras in his arms like a child wrapped in a blanket.

" But whyyyyy?!" Alucard whined. " I promise to feed her and take her for a walk every day!"

" You haven't even cleaned your room!"

" I don't need to! My room is practically bare! Didn't you listen to the musical from the beginning? For neatness I deserve a nod! "

"...isigh/i Fine...But you'll have to take care of her, feed her, give her weapons, etcetra. You'll finally have your own slave."

" And her two puppies." Alucard smirked.

" What?" Integra quickly asked.

" Nothing."

"..oo."

"..3."

"..."

"...".

"../."

"..;D"

And with that final emoticon face, Integra turned quietly around and boarded the helicopter out of there.

--

Inside Seras' mind.

--

A flowery field is seen, with Seras standing in the middle of it in her pajamas.

" Wha...where am...I?" She asked. Suddenly, a door opened in the flowery field..and out stepped Alucard.

**Mr. Tumnas (Crispin Freeman)**

" You're in Narnia! I'm Mister Tumnas! Come with me, Lucy, we'll go have some tea while I play the pan flute!"

" M-my name's not...Lucy...It's Seras." She said meekly.

"...WHAT?!" Alucard roared. as the flowers turned to flames. Seras shrunk back in terror. "You made me come all the way out here and you drop a bombshell like THAT?! You little SKAAANNNNK!!" Alucard roared, pulling an axe out of his ass and raising it at her.

--

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!" Seras screamed, sitting up in a bed. She'd indeed been changed to her pajamas, she noticed, as she stopped screaming. She frantically looked around and observed her surroundings. A small room with only a bed, dresser, table, chair, and closet inside. She checked her stomach, but the wounds were gone..she felt something pricking against her tounge. Slowly, she would grab a mirror from the top of the dresser next to her bed, and observe her face. She opened her mouth, to reveal that she now had a set of fangs, and that the pupils of her eyes were somewhat changed into those of a vampires. In a frightened fit, she threw the mirror away, and bounced off of something sitting on the bed next to her.

" OW!" Alucard cried. " Freaky little...oh. Hi. Wanna hear me play pan flute?" He said with a grin.

"...AAAAAAAAAH!!" Seras cried again, throwing her hands up in exxagerated, anime style fear. Suddenly, the door was thrown off it's hinges, and through it stepped Integra.

" Cut out that racket, police girl! As long as you're staying in this mansion, you will be-" She started formally, before Walter marched into the room in a marching band uniform, banging loudly a large drum with two small mallets, and blowing on a tuba that was strapped onto the drum. Integra turned around and kicked a hole in the drum, sending her rapier through the tuba as well, angrily. Sadly, Walter hung his head and walked out of the room, removing the drum kit and tuba with a sniffle.

"As I was saying.." Integra continued. " As long as you are inside my house, you will follow my orders. Now get dressed, Seras. You're about to go on your first mission alongside Alucard..."

" Wha..But I just got he-.." Seras started

" DO NOT QUESTION ME! I AM YOUR PIMP, YOU ARE MY WHORE, UNDERSTAND?!" Integra shouted angrily. Alucard tugged on her sleeve and whispered in her ear. "...Oh...Oh right, we're not in that phase anymore. I'm actually your master, and you're mine..and his..slave. So you must follow orders, Seras."

Seras sighed and laid her head on her pillow. " This can NOT get any wierder..."

Unfortunately at that moment several other wierd occurences did happen.

--

Shadow Moses Island, Alaska, at that very moment...

--

" So this is it, huh boss?" Revolver Ocelot asked. " We're gonna ride this nuke all the way into history."

**Revolver Ocelot ( Patrick Zimmerman)**

" Yup!" Liquid Snake said with a happy grin on his face, as he finished attaching the sleigh to the large nuke mounted on Metal Gear REX's rail gun.

**Liquid Snake ( Cam Clarke)**

" All the way..." he smirked.." Into the London National Library. Granted it may take around ten chapters, but by God I'll make it work." His smooth british accent said as he hopped into the sleigh. " Let's ride this bitch, ol' friend." he said, as Ocelot hopped in next to him.

" Mind if I rip your arm off and use it as my own?" Ocelot asked.

" Fuck off." Liquid replied, hitting random buttons on the control panel of the sleigh. " I know you'll just use it to beat off...say is it me or did we get hotter looking?" He asked, before the nuke skyrocketed into the air..and neither dared to notice the ninja in the white, red, and blue gear under it.

" TO LONDON!" The partners cried.

--

In London, on Fleet Street, a barber returned to his old dwelling, not bothering to talk normally, but rather sing..

" There's a hole in a world like a great black pit and it's filled with people that are filled with shit and the vermin of the world inhabit it...but not for loonnng." He smirked.

--

In a small West Virginia town, a steel helmeted monster drug his massive sword through the streets, leading an army of lesser monsters behind him on an insane quest for vengance, heading toward London.

--

In Japan, on a mysterious area named Site Zero, a white haired android prepared his army of T'Lan Warriors..

"Destination..London." He muttered. " Object: Vampire. Terminate!"

--

In Germany, an insane battalion leader threw hot tea into a mad scientist's face for not peeing enough in it, as his mute subordinate stood like a statue next to him.

--

In Colorado, a woman opened her stove, only to find a rabid chicken inside, which promptly flew out in a clucking fit to pull her eyes out before getting shot to death by a S.W.A.T. team that had been searching for that particular chicken for seven long years.

--

All the while, an ominous watermelon flew through the sky as a blonde-mulleted man swung his sitar at a man with large, red hair for calling him a tard and throwing a brick at him.

--

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to

**Hellsing OMG**

--

Author's Note: This story also ties into my friend's story, Alucard's Tales of Boredom. I don't own Kingdom Hearts, Breakdown, or any consecutive properties that may or may not appear here.


End file.
